Bright light city's gonna set my soul
Gonna set my soul on fire
I got a whole lot of money that's ready to burn
So get those stakes up higher
I'm gonna give it everything I got
Lady Luck, please, let the dice stay hot
Let me shoot a seven with every shot
Hey, viva Las Vegas
Viva Las Vegas
Viva Viva
Las Vegas
Sierra! Sierra, come on, look at this.
Look how cute you were.
Yes, Dad. All lion babies are cute.
Nature does that so lion daddies don't eat them.
Look. This is where you make your first kill. Remember?
Don't watch that. I'm not that person anymore.
I no longer commit rodent hate crimes.
Come on, this is great. Check it out.
I mixed the music myself.
Come on, honey. I can't do this alone.
Wait! I got Billy Squier over your first trip to the litter box.
Whatever. I gotta go.
You can't. Siegfried and Roy are taking us to dinner at the Mirage.
Come on. You're not making Hunter go.
This dinner is for grown-ups.
Grown-ups? Last time Siegfried and Roy dressed up like leprechauns.
Yes, they did. But look, those guys are really good to us.
If they wanna buy us a beautifully marbled piece of prime beef, I'm for it.
Meat is murder.
Nice, Dad.
Behold! Gandalf has returned.
Hey, Dad, I was thinking, tonight while we're out,
maybe you and Hunter could do something together.
No, Sauron. Your dark forces will not take over the hobbit Shire!
Come on now, Dad. He's your grandson.
The least you can do is try to bond with him.
Fine. But you're making me give up a date with a sure thing.
This gal's easier to get into than Florida State.
- Dad. - I'm just saying,
you don't want to disappoint a lady like that. Right, kiddo?
I like elves.
Of course you do.
Hello!
- Hello, Mr. Siegfried, Mr. Roy. - How did you know it was us?
You have lions with you, and your theme song contains your actual names.
It is official. Masquerade dinner is a bust.
Roy, once we pick a theme, we stick to it.
- What are you doing? - Look away when you talk to me.
I didn't survive 3,472 dinners by making small talk with prostitutes.
Hey! I'm not a prostitute.
Yeah. You're working your way through law school. I get it.
I don't know what's going on with Sierra. We don't connect anymore.
It's just a phase.
What happened to the kid who wouldn't eat unless she was sitting next to me?
If it makes you feel better, she treats me the same way.
Well, yeah, but she was never nuts about you.
I'm not afraid of being eaten. I'm afraid of being silenced.
- What do you mean? - Come on! You never heard of me?
Emerson. The lobster.
Political prisoner, FBI file number 16324.
- Sorry, I haven't. - Their plan's working.
The liberal media won't touch me. This face don't sell Tide.
- That is so unfair. - It's all right.
Mandella was in prison for 27 years. Nobody forgot about him.
Yeah, or his whack-job wife. Hi. I'm Larry.
- What are we talking about? - Turn away from the tank.
Kitties, dinner time.
- Sierra, come on. - Good luck, Emerson.
Hey, kid, I got some newsletters. Maybe you can distribute them for me.
Try to get a copy to Tim Robbins.
Okay, lions, we have a very special announcement to make.
Barbra Streisand is coming to town.
Perhaps it was me that was talking?
It is true. The great Barbra will be here next week,
and we will be doing a private magic show for her.
Larry, become excited! You are coming with us.
Barbra fell enchanted with you in a picture in People,
where I was combing your mane.
She assured me that my low-cut shirt had nothing to do with her enchantment.
I'm secretly doubting that.
If your head were any bigger, I would feel sorry for who makes your hats. Pow!
To celebrate with you, we have made a salami bust of Barbra.
And tonight, you will eat her head.
Gentlemen, may I take your order?
Tonight, I will be having the lobster.
I'm sorry, we're all out.
Then I will have a pepperoni bust of Oscar winner Marisa Tomei.
So, we're bonding, huh, Grandpa? Going to a bar together.
Yeah, that's right.
Now, you stay here, 'cause Grandpa has to meet a sweet piece of tail.
By that, I mean a funny, nice person.
Just throw these pointy objects at that board there.
And remember, if I'm talking to a lady, you don't know me.
Hey, darlin'. Last night? You and me?
Yeah, about that. I get the feeling that you're afraid of commitment,
and I can't do that to myself again.
I'd love to make a commitment to you, but my plate is full.
Well, then I guess this is goodbye.
You see, I need to be with someone who cares about more than just himself.
I didn't wanna tell you this 'cause I didn't wanna scare you off.
But that boy over there? He's my grandson.
- I'm raising him. - Really?
I'm the only family he has left,
since his mother and father abandoned him.
Wow. Well, how come I've never seen you with him before?
He just got back from... space camp.
Well, I love kids.
Hey, you know what? Tomorrow night, you bring him to dinner.
Great.
And I realize now is not the time to pressure you about a commitment.
That's terrific, Tracy.
Hunter, come here, my boy.
I do not know you, sir!
He's... He's dumb.
Oh, my God. Emerson's right.
The FDA is in the pocket of the pharmaceutical industry.
- I have to go back and save him. - Honey, you cannot have another pet.
It'll be like that cocker spaniel where I got stuck walking him and cleaning up.
He was tasty, though.
- I thought you sent him to a farm. - Yeah, I did.
Anyway, Dad, you met him.
He's brilliant. Don't you think he deserves a better life?
Are we still talking about the little red fella?
You never understand things that are important to me.
Hey, Kate, you go on ahead. I'll meet you at home.
What? Why?
I'm taking up power walking. I think it looks cool!
- Sierra? - Huh?
Honey, I have a surprise for you.
Oh, my God. Emerson!
Dad, thank you!
Hey! Hello. Could I get some help with the bondage here?
Of course.
Yeah.
Mamacita!
I bet I know what you could use: a nice cold one.
Look at that. Is that a plastic six-pack ring?
- Yes, it is. - I guess that makes you an idiot!
Do you know how many dolphins get their noses caught in these rings every year?
Thanks to people like you, they die a slow, watery death!
I just like to hold my beers with one finger.
Okay. We need to engineer a campaign
to cut these rings before they're disposed of.
- I'll get poster board and Sharpies. - Good thinking!
I'll get string and a staple gun.
I'll tell you what. Why don't you hold a sit-in in front of the fridge
and make me a corned beef-and-provolone sandwich?
Wear a hairnet. I don't want any surprises.
We've covered arctic drilling, Medicare, cloning,
and there's still so many issues left to go.
So let's keep those poster boards coming. Come on.
- Uh-oh. We're down to the last one. - No problem.
Draw me Uncle Sam, a bag of cocaine
and a crying Indian floating in oil.
I can't believe you brought him into our house. Look at my living room.
I know he's eccentric, but you should've seen her face.
She looked at me like I was a hero or something.
Was the first time she's done that in a long time.
No nukes, right, honey?
If it's yellow, let it mellow.
- They don't get it. You know? - I know.
You know, kid, you got a spark.
You could really change the world.
You know how I heal the world? Through laughter.
Funnyman George Lopez, take me away.
Donde estalosha-has? What's up with the TV?
You mean the government mind-control box?
- I cut the cord. - What?
Your mind is a vase.
Fill it with flowers, not with lies.
Hey, wanna go on a trip to a farm?
Dad!
Six hours till Barbra! I must be preparing me in outfit.
I want it to say, "Look but don't touch,
but then touch when I'm not looking."
Party patrol. Open up!
Oh, no. It's Vice President Dick Cheney again.
I can hear you wild men in there. It's me, the Chain Saw.
Very funny. Your arm is a blade that cuts trees.
What's up for tonight, boys? Chain Saw's ready for action.
Of course. Unfortunately, Dick Cheney,
we have already made plans with Barbra Streisand.
Streisand plus Chain Saw?
Call the EPA, 'cause that's a recipe for dynamite. Kaboom!
Yeah. Kaboom. Good one.
Anyhow, it's not in the stars for us tonight.
It's not you, it's our lions. They don't like any vice presidents.
Between you and me, they found Al Gore to be a bit... douchey.
- Fine. - Good night, Chain Saw.
He's a nice guy, but... enough, already.
Emerson, you're gonna love this place.
And because it's a special night, everybody can order appetizers.
Thanks for green-lighting my Buffalo wings, you knob.
Sorry I'm late.
Excuse me. Why are we eating with the entrée?
Hey, lobster, I called ahead and reserved you a seat.
Grandpa, you're a sweet piece of tail.
It's an inside joke.
I'm just glad you two are bonding.
Excuse me, folks. I gotta hit the can.
Great. There's no aquatic access.
How's a sea creature supposed to get around this place? It's demeaning.
There are not a lot of other sea creatures.
I don't know if a waterway makes sense.
Sure. Why build waterways? Why build wheelchair ramps?
Why have bumpy books for those idiots who can't see?
Yikes. Somebody didn't get enough hugs.
You don't get a lot of hugs from an alcoholic hooker.
Merry Christmas.
Sierra, get me outta here. We got work to do.
Gladly.
Must be that time of the month for him. Right, Grandpa?
When one group is discriminated against, it affects us all!
And I, for one, am not gonna stand for it anymore!
- What do we want? - Aquatic access!
- When do we want it? - Now! Yeah!
And I want to be able to marry my life partner here in my hometown.
- Oh, Gary. - I love you, Lamont,
- and I don't care who knows it. - Don't forget why we're here.
Down with the Watering Hole which won't provide aquatic access.
Down with the Watering Hole that won't provide aquatic access.
- Let's torch the Watering Hole! - Yeah!
No one is burning anything down.
Hey! He's wearing fur!
All right, that's it. You all need a hobby!
Lamont and I take a Chinese cooking class.
- Everyone out! - Okay, we're leaving.
Sierra, we will discuss this tomorrow.
Now go to bed. It's a school night.
- I'm not going to school anymore. - What?
How can I be expected to go to school when Umar Ik
is rotting in a prison cell in Myanmar?
- Huh? - Emerson's right. School is for drones.
- No. Sierra, school is important. - Why?
Trying to stay awake while teachers say boring things builds character!
- End of discussion! - You see?
He used four of the six hallmarks of tyrants.
- That's it. You are outta here. - Dad!
No. I've had it with the smart-ass whiny bottom-feeder.
Pack your bags, freeloader. This is your last night at the inn.
Dude, we're just having an exchange of ideas.
Hey, maybe she can go to school part-time.
- Out! - You ruin everything!
You know what? I don't care! I don't need to be your buddy.
That lobster's outta here, and you're going to school tomorrow!
Ahem. Am I too late?
I always have such a good time with you.
Well, that's why they call me Good Time Charlie.
I thought your name was Sarmoti.
You're the perfect woman.
Grandpa. Grandpa!
I need a protection spell to use against the orcs.
Excuse me.
Grandpa, you told mom we were going to play.
Yeah, yeah, we are.
Now, this bottle of bourbon here is an evil tower, and these cigarettes...
Maybe they come to life or something.
But play quietly, or else the scary swamp monster
will make you ugly and everyone will hate you.
- I'll whisper. - Good boy.
Now, where was I?
So, what exactly happened to his parents?
His mom joined a cult, and his Dad went gay
and ran off with a church choir director.
You brave man.
Grandpa, this tower isn't evil. It's good!
Dad, I can't believe you're doing this. You can't just drop him in some hole.
It's called "exile," like what they did to Trotsky.
- He was murdered in Mexico. - Shut up.
Don't worry. This place is gonna be perfect.
- Wow. The Mirage aquarium. - This ain't bad.
Oysters. I'll keep my wallet in my front pocket.
- Peace. - I'll visit you all the time.
This is a better place for him, kiddo. Trust me.
Barbra Streisand, you thrill us with your arrival.
- Nice to see you too. - Whoa. Down, girl.
Is there anything we can be bringing you?
- I want that chair brought to my villa. - Yes, Barbra.
- And that vase. - Yes, Barbra.
And I want an Oscar for directing Princeof Tides.
And for dinner, I want that. That big, fat, juicy lobster.
Balls!
This is all your fault.
Emerson is probably boiling in a pot right now.
Don't think that way, honey. Maybe they grilled him.
Or she's setting him free in an ocean paradise. I bet that's it.
Good news, my man. Emerson hasn't been eaten yet.
But he is the featured entrée
when Barbra has dinner with Siegfried and Roy tonight.
Siegfried and Roy are taking me to that. I can save the lobster.
And that's where I come in.
Okay. How is the floor plan of Nude Nude Nude gonna help us?
What? We're gonna do this without strippers?
Good luck.
Hello?
Shiny!
Tracy, he's 14.
- I'm nine. - Still?
That's great. What the...?
Excuse me. Why do you have my son in your bosom?
It's okay, mom. It's neat in here.
You're his mother? Well, it's a little late to show up now, don't you think?
- What? - You go off and join a cult,
and then you expect to just pick up where you left off?
Sarmoti and I may not be exclusive, but we're Hunter's family now.
So, why don't you put on your orange robe,
and tell your oversexed leader that we ain't buyin'.
Right, honey?
- Barbra? - Yes, James?
- I miss you when I can't see your face. - Just brush.
Come in.
Hello, Barbra!
- I am Siegfried. - And I am Roy.
I cannot believe I am standing here with Funny Girl. Make me laugh!
- Emerson. - Up here!
Thanks for the new lease on life, jackass.
Do you not see the boiling water?
You're about two minutes from making this noise...
Now, shut up. I have a plan to get you outta here.
Okay.
Castro, you bastard!
Come on, Snack. What are you doing?
- Holy potatoes. - Get the lights!
- They don't work. - Strobe light! Strobe light!
Look at us. We are robots.
Brolin, it is a robot party.
Join us. Don't be sticking in the mud.
Be robot, Brolin.
Okay, it's go time.
Hold it, lion. No one takes my dinner.
- You! - Come here, you little reptile.
No, Brolin. Left, right, left.
How did you robot when you played Reagan?
I beat you!
I am a triple threat! Seasoning!
Sierra! What are you doing here?
- Saving Emerson. - Beat you to it.
- Wow. - Now get outta here.
Brolin, why must you always be killing the buzz?
Roy, calm down.
No, I'm not kidding! I've had enough of him!
I can't believe everything you did to save Emerson. It was awesome.
Well, let's be honest. I could've taken care of Yentl on my own.
Not really. You owe him.
Oh, yeah. Let's just bow down to the Man.
"Thank you for your welfare state. I can't do anything on my own."
Emerson, come on.
Sierra, don't forget: he is still the enemy.
No, he's not. He's my dad, and I like him.
You know who I don't like? You!
That's the spirit!
Cast out the Old Guard. Break the chains of tyranny.
So, what was Barbra like?
Really down-to-earth. She's good people.
Gandalf? Gandalf?
Gandalf, come on.
Dad, we worked this out. You promised.
The morlocks are coming.
- Awesome. - That's better.
Hey, kids, what if I buy you some beer? It'll be our secret.
There's no alcohol in Middle-earth, Grandpa.
Crap.